


Just me

by herilaveur



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23425615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur
Summary: Yesterday was International Transgender Visibility Day.so...an AU where Lucas is a high school student with a secret that no one knows about...but some guy named Eliott comes into his tidy life and and upsets everything.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 20
Kudos: 112





	1. New

Lucas is waiting for his buddies with his back pressed against the boys' bathroom door. Same as always. They're laughing at the urinals and Lucas looks up to the sky. The first time he'll be able to do that, he won't be in high school and it makes him a little sad. But when he sees all he's accomplished in the last two years, all he can do is smile. Even though he hates it, sometimes he thinks back to his life before he started high school, before he met Yann, then Arthur and Baz. At 15, he would never have thought it possible. And yet, at 17, he's Lucas Lallemand, a first S student, waiting for his mates with whom he's just spent an hour talking about girls. Not that this discussion doesn't interest him a lot, but anyway it's mostly about Basile who's talking about Daphne right now. And the way he's acting, Lucas doubts he'll ever get there. But Basile's his buddy, so he's helping his out any way he can.

Yann and Arthur wash their hands while Basile promises he'll never wash them again. That's really disgusting. Lucas won't give him a gang check until Basile comes to his senses and washes his fucking hands.

And the four of them laugh their way out while Basile tells bullshit that makes them laugh. Like Daphne's gonna smell another girl's scent on Baz's hands and realize she wants him for herself. As if girls have a female hormone radar...

''Hello, Lucas? Can you hear me?" Yann puts his hand in front of Lucas' eyes to get him to react.

"Fuck yeah, sorry."

"Where have you been, man?"

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and runs his hand through his hair.

''I'm right here. You were saying?"

Yann squints as if to probe him and then smiles.

"They asked you what you did with the weed after Emma's party."

"Yeah, yeah, that's good. It's at my house."

"Fucking hell, man, it's so cool to be a flatmate at your age!" Arthur whistles, "No parents searching your room."

Lucas doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. First of all, it's clear Mika's searching his room... and he'd rather not think about it. They should've had a conversation a while ago, but Mika seems to be waiting for Lucas to be ready for this... and Lucas is definitely not ready for this.   
Besides, he wishes his mother could be able to do this. He wishes he didn't have to live as a roommate. He loves Mika and Lisa, but he feels like a guest in their house. Lucas wishes he could live a normal life and live with his mom. But apparently, the universe has a fucking plan for him and has decided that Lucas' life would be full of problems.

"Welcome to our new foyer, boys. We're gonna make this the coolest place in our high school."

Lucas smiles at Imane, who nods her head. It's okay, their little secret will be safe. His buddies will never know that he lost the weed at Emma's party and Imane found it. Or that that's why they're here today.

"But why are we here?" Arthur grumbles as he turns to Lucas.

''To help Baz get points with Daphne,'' says Lucas, smiling at Basile. 

Basile raises his hand to hit five with Lucas but Lucas turns around and laughs.

''Not as long as you're on a hand-washing strike, Baz.''

Lucas always laughs when his eyes meet grey eyes. It's the first thing he sees. His eyes. Grey-green eyes that are squinted and show that he's smiling. Lucas' eyes fall on his smile. Two thin red lips that lengthen perfectly to create a perfect smile. This guy just has a perfect face. As he laughs, his hair dances, seeming uncontrollable despite the hood of his sweatshirt on his head. The gray eyes catch Lucas's gaze again and he feels a warm sensation overwhelming him.  
  
He looks at Daphne for a few seconds and then turns his head back to look at him again. Holy shit, why did this have to happen now? Last year was hard enough as a love story for Lucas, with his impossible crush on Yann. He certainly doesn't need it to happen again. 

So he forces himself to focus on the reunion without looking at this guy. But he can't. And every time he looks at him, he notices the guy's already looking at him. 

Lucas gives the questionnaire back to Daphne and leaves the room greeting his friends. He needs to get some air. He walks around the school for a while before heading to his bus stop. And of course he's here. Sitting on the bench. Lucas could turn around and walk back but the guy turns his head and locks his eyes. 

"Hi."

Oh, for fuck's sake, his voice is amazing, too.

"Hi."

But why does Lucas's voice always have to convey his anxiety?

The guy chuckles. Is Lucas that obvious?

''Well, how did you come up with that?''

Lucas shrugs his shoulders.

''That was weird, right?''

The guy's giggling again.

''Yeah. But I think it's a good idea. It's nice to be able to meet new people."

Lucas shrugs his shoulders.

"Are you new?"

The guy takes out a joint from his ear and lights it.

''Yeah. Senior year."

Lucas starts giggling in spite of himself.

''And you're changing schools the year you graduate?"

"I must be a weird guy, so" laughs the guy as he hands Lucas the joint.

"I never said that," Lucas says, pulling a punch. "It's just really secret, isn't it?"

The guy leans over to Lucas, way too close for two boys chatting friendly.

"We all have a little secret, don't we? Don't you agree with me, Lucas?"

Lucas immediately freezes. The guy grabs his joint and gets up as his bus comes in.

"I'm Eliott, by the way."

And just like that, he's gone. And Lucas just wants to cry. 

His mind starts racing as Lucas pushes the roommate door. How does this guy know his name? How does he know Lucas' past? Okay, he used to live in Paris and only moved a few blocks away, but who could be the connection between...  
Lucas can't even think about it without getting upset. And he hates it. He made it through his entire fucking sophomore year without a problem. Why did that guy have to come in here now and screw up his new life?

Mika's laughing in the living room with some guy he probably found on grindr. Lucas goes straight to his room and slams the door before he lies down on his bed.  
The door opens almost immediately.

''Kitten? Are you okay?"

"No," mumbles Lucas into his duvet.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mika asks quietly, still in the doorway.

"No," Lucas repeats, "I just want to be alone."

Mika gently closes the door, reminding Lucas he's here if he wants to talk about anything. 

Lucas knows that Mika knows. But he doesn't see how he can talk about it. He doesn't want to talk about it at all. He doesn't want to answer his questions. He just wants to forget about it. Lucas just wants to forget that for 15 years of his life, he was trapped in a girl's body. A fucking girl's body. And now that he finally gets the body he deserves, a fucking guy could fuck his life up because apparently he knows her secret. 

Fucking shitty universe.


	2. Cross Destinations

When Lucas wakes up Saturday morning, he's still dressed, still in bed. He fell asleep without realizing it. Mika must have come because there's a blanket over Lucas. It makes him smile. He's looking at his phone. He's got several messages from the guys reminding him of the party tonight. He puts it down with a sigh, he'll figure it out later.

He stretches out and walks to the bathroom. It's the worst time of the day for him. So far. Soon it will be over and he can live his life to the fullest like any other man. But in the meantime, he sighs as he undresses and rushes into the shower without looking in the mirror.   
He can't bear to look at that sex that isn't his, but which is nevertheless on him. And it's really painful to have this reminder every morning when he takes a shower. And since the universe hates him, even the hormones haven't changed anything there.  
He knows that some men like him aren't frustrated by having a so-called female sex. He knows that being a man isn't just about having a penis. And that some women have a penis. And he understands that. But to Lucas, it's important. It's like ever since he was a kid he's felt like a part of himself has been cut off. 

As soon as he gets dressed, thanks to his packing, he finally feels like he's having the sex that suits him, even though he knows that it's not yet the case, and then he can spend a moment looking at himself in the mirror. Contemplating his mini abs and pectorals which are slightly forming, which would form more if Lucas spent more time doing sports, but he doesn't have enough good will for that. Contemplate the bristles growing on his chest that almost makes his scars disappear. Look at the bristles line from his belly button to his lower abdomen. Quickly comb his hair so that it looks as if it is uncapped. Shave. Take one's medication and brush one's teeth. And exit in a towel, crossing the hallway back to his room to get dressed properly. 

And thanks to all those little unimportant things, Lucas is smiling again.

"Hi, kitten," Mika says to him with a smile as he enters the kitchen, "Sleep well?"

"Hi. Yeah. Really good in fact."

Mika claps and smiles as Lucas pours himself a cup of coffee.

''What's the plan for today? I'm totally free. How about doing your nails while watching a love movie?"

Lucas looks at him with a frown on his face.

"I'm not Manon, you know."

Mika shrugs his shoulders.

''I noticed that, Mr. killjoy. So, what do we do now?"

Lucas looks at Mika again, waiting for his answer.

''Actually, I have an appointment in 40 minutes,'' Lucas says.

Mika approaches him as if he wants Lucas to confide in him.

''With a girl? A guy?"

Lucas sighs as he takes a sip of coffee. Mika wants to know so much, all the time.

''One guy, yes. He's got to be like 60. But he's really nice."

Mika's startled. 

''Wait. What?!"

Lucas looks at his roommate, who freaks out and laughs. He couldn't help it, he couldn't resist bothering his roommate this early in the morning.

''I just have an appointment with the psychologist, Mika. Nothing very exciting."

Then he freezes, realizing he's said too much. So he immediately makes up for it by sitting down and not stuttering.

''My mother's. I have to go to the clinic to meet my mother's psychologist to talk about her."

Mika nods his head and puts his hand on Lucas'.

''If you'd like me to come along, I'd be happy to take you for a little walk. And I can wait for you outside if you want me to. It's a beautiful day, my complexion could use some sun."

Lucas is going to say no, but Mika seems really willing to go with him. So without thinking too much, he accepts. 

And that's how he ends up walking with Mika to the psychiatric clinic. Mika shows him a park right in front of the hospital and tells him who will be waiting for him there.

And Lucas enters the clinic smiling, thinking of Mika, who will spend an hour in the sun to get a tan. 

''Hello, Lucas. Are you all right?" Cindy, the secretary, asks him when he walks into the psych ward.

"I'm fine. How about you, not too long?"

Cindy's expecting a baby and Lucas knows it's due in two months. She gently strokes her rounded belly.

''No, it's okay. Besides, as much as I'm looking forward to meeting this baby, I'm gonna miss seeing you for a few months."

''Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to get attached to the patients.'' Lucas laughs.

Cindy's waving at him to shut up and Lucas laughs. Lucas loves Cindy. She's always been really nice and caring to Lucas. And most importantly, she's always called him Lucas. And to him, that means a lot. Not many people know his birth name, and Cindy always called him Lucas, even when he didn't look like he does today. So, yeah, he loves Cindy. 

"You can go wait, you know where."

Of course Lucas knows. He's been coming here once a month for almost three years. Without fail. He doesn't miss an appointment because he wants his file to be perfect so he can request reassignment surgery as soon as he turns 18. And to do that, he wants a perfect file. And then he needs his psychiatrist's approval so that his endocrinologist can continue to prescribe his hormone medication. It has already been difficult to find a doctor who is open enough to help him, despite his mother's illness and his age. 

So he quietly sits down in his favourite seat. The one next to the baobab tree. That way, he can scratch the sand at the foot of the baobab with his fingers and it relaxes him. 

An hour later, he comes out of his appointment with a smile on his face. Like every time. He can only smile when he takes stock of his current life. Of course, he didn't mention Eliott. And when he leaves the office, he immediately regrets it. Because Eliott's here. Leaning against Cindy's counter. He immediately recognises his brown jacket, and his long legs in his black jeans. Holy shit, he looks even better from the side than he does from the front. Like it's fucking possible. Lucas decides to leave without coming back to the front desk like he should. Never mind, he will say he forgot.

"Lucas, wait."

Damn it. Cindy's voice freezes him right there. He turns around to notice Eliott staring at him and seems totally freaked out.

''Your medical card, Lucas.'' Cindy shows the card in her hand.

Damn it. Shit. Lucas is forced to go back to the counter. Should he wave to Eliott or pretend not to recognize him? He still hesitates when Eliott decides for them.

"Hi, Lucas."

Eliott's voice is much less calm than yesterday at the bus stop.

"Hello, Eliott."

"Do you two know each other?" Cindy asks.

Lucas doesn't have time to open his mouth for Eliott to nod.

"Oh, great. Lucas, would you show Eliott the Mr. Dupuis service, please. He just needs to drop off his file. You're a sweetheart, Lucas."

Lucas nods. He can't say no to Cindy. They walk up the hall, obviously just as uncomfortable as each other. But who'd be comfortable in a psychiatric clinic? 

Elodie, the secretary says hello to Lucas. Dr Dupuis is his endocrinologist, so he's quite know here too. She gets the file, thanks Eliott and confirms his appointment for the following week. Lucas has the impression that Eliott could die because he seems so uncomfortable. And in spite of him, Lucas can't help but feel a surge of compassion for Eliott. That and a fucking desire to see his smile on that sad face again. 

"You're lucky" ends up saying Lucas, on the way out, more to fill the silence than to really say "he's really nice."

Eliott seems to be relaxing.

''Ah. Thanks. I hate dealing with a new doctor. But my shrink wants me to try a new treatment. You know him well?"

Lucas shrugs his shoulders.

''A little. He's my mother's doctor."

Lucas immediately feels bad for lying when Eliott just made it clear that he was coming here for treatment. But damn it, it came out of the blue. He's built a wall around him and he can't let one person take him down. Not even Eliott and his angel face. 

"Ah."

Lucas' imagination must be playing tricks on him, because he feels like Eliott is disappointed.

"You here for your mom, then?"

Lucas looks at him.

''Yeah. She's hospitalized here."

Well, at least that's not a lie. Eliott nods his head silently. They barely made it through the door of the clinic when Mika shows up.

''Well, kitten, I was wondering what's taking you so long. I"

He stops, seemingly only now noticing Eliott's presence.

''Oh. Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

Lucas smiles. Mika's just impossible. Lucas can see he's already minding his own business in front of Eliott. And oddly enough, Eliott doesn't seem to notice.

''Yes, of course. Mika, this is Eliott. He's new to the school. Eliott, this is Mika."

The two boys greet each other, and Lucas notices that Mika keeps Eliott's hand in his for longer than necessary.

"Come on, Mika, let's go."

''Oh, shit, kitten, can't you be in a good mood for once? Come on, guys, I'll buy you a coffee. Or ice cream. Or shall we go back to the apartment and make a movie? Eliott, it's good for you?"

Lucas looks at Mika frowning, trying to make him understand that he doesn't want that at all. But he can't say it out loud without sounding mean. Eliott turns to Lucas and smiles. Fuck, Lucas would damn himself to see that smile for the rest of his life. But he's got to stop thinking things like that right now. Eliott is not supposed to come into his life like that.

''Why not. Yeah, with pleasure."

"My pleasure," laughs Mika as he takes his arm.


	3. Falling

  
They finally decide to have an ice cream in town before going back to the apartment. Mika's phone starts ringing as they take off their coats and he apologizes by going to his room.

"So?" says Eliott, "You two have been living together for a long time?"

"Uh...Last august" Lucas answers, taking off his shoe.

"Cool"

Lucas nods.

"Yeah, that's pretty cool."

Mika comes smiling back from his room. Lucas knows that smile very well, and he doesn't like it at all. It's the smile _I made a date with a guy and do crazy things with my body._

''Sorry guys, business is picking up, I gotta go. But it was nice to meet you, Eliott. Hope to see you soon. You know the way now."

He greeted the two boys, and just like that, he left, leaving Lucas alone with Eliott. 

"Would you like a beer?" Lucas offers as he enters the kitchen.

"Sure, sure. Do you want smoke?"

Lucas pulls two beers out of the fridge and notices the joint on Eliott's ear. He can't help but wonder how long he's been there.

"Yeah, sure."

They walk into the living room and only now Lucas notices Lisa lying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. 

''You guys are making too much noise.'' She grumbles as she turns up the volume on the TV.

''Don't worry, we're going to my room.''

Why the fuck did Lucas say that? He should have offered to go outside. He's watching Eliott waiting for him in the hallway, silently asking which door is Lucas' room.

Lucas walks past him and opens the door to his room, thanking himself inwardly for having tidied up this morning after his shower. He hastens to remove the dirty clothes lying around, but other than that, it's okay.

Lucas sits on the windowsill and Eliott comes and sits just in front of him, opening the window slightly to let the smoke escape.

''I really didn't think I'd be here today,'' says Eliott as he passes the joint to Lucas.

''Yeah, I'm telling you, I really didn't think you'd be here.'' Lucas laughs as he gets laid.

''But that's cool,'' Eliott says, lifting his beer to him.

"That's cool." Lucas admits, striking his beer against Eliott's beer before taking a sip.

Eliott sweeps the room with a smile on his face. Fucking perfect fucking smile that Lucas can't stop looking at. 

"Do you play the piano?" he asks, pointing at him. 

Lucas jumps up and shrugs his shoulders.

''No. It's for style, to attract girls, you know, it still works the musician boy image.''

And Eliott laughs out loud and passes him the joint. 

''Do you play anything?'' asks Lucas before Eliott has a chance to make a remark. ''Wait, let me guess. Guitar? No, electric guitar? It would go well with your mysterious guy side."

Eliott squints and shakes his head.

''I have a mystery guy side? That's good to know. Anyway, no, no instruments. Sorry."

"Come on," teases Lucas. "You must have something of your own, right?"

Eliott smiles. And his smile is so fucking perfect. He could melt the whole shell that Lucas has built up. But, no, Lucas is promising himself on the inside that that's not gonna happen. But there's nothing to stop him from making Eliott a new friend. Just a friend.

''I'm drawing. I draw a lot. I draw all the time. It's my thing."

Lucas nods his head and smiles.

"See, I was right. I'm sure the girls love it. The mysterious guy who draws. Probably always in black and white, I guess."

Eliott laughs but nods and Lucas looks up to the sky.

"Girls must be falling into your arms."

Eliott sighs and moves closer to Lucas to get the joint back.

''Maybe I don't want the girls to fall in my arms.''

Their eyes lock and then Eliott's eyes fall on Lucas' lips. It's really fast, but Lucas notices. And he panics. He jumps off the windowsill falls and almost in the middle of his room. If he manages to end up standing on his own two feet, frankly, he doesn't know how.

"So, are you gonna play for me?" Eliott asks, pointing to the piano.

"No, I told you, it's just for the image."

The look in Eliott's eyes as he looks at Lucas shows him he doesn't believe a word of it. But then he pulls the joint again, probably deciding it's time to change the conversation. Which he does.

"So, how long have you two been a couple?"

"Who?" Lucas asks before he takes a sip of his beer.

"You and Mika."

Lucas chokes on his sip of beer and then starts coughing and laughing, while his grey eyes stare at his astonished eyes.

''We're not a couple. Oh, God, no. We're roommates. With Lisa, too. Mika's room is across the hall from mine, if you're interested. He'd be happy to fall into your arms."

Eliott comes down from the window sill smiling.

''I'd so much rather be here. And I think"

His phone rings, stopping him in the middle of his sentence. He takes it out of his pocket and swears when he sees the caller.

''Damn it, Lucas, I got to go. I'm sorry."

He's handing Lucas his phone. Lucas wonders what to do with it until Eliott nods his head, as if he were encouraging him. Then Lucas types in his phone number and gives his phone back to Eliott. Lucas tries not to show his relief when he opens his bedroom door and walks Eliott out the door.

Eliott gets dressed, walks out the front door and stops. He moves forward slowly and pushes back one of the locks of hair that is blocking Lucas' forehead.

"See you soon, then."

And Lucas lets the door close without moving. Holy shit, what the fuck was that? He's just back in his room having his phone ring.

_I don't believe it, you know._

He's smiling as he imagines Eliott writing that message, barely leaving the building. Like he needed to say it. And it's so much easier to talk on voicemail that Lucas answers almost immediately.

_You don't believe in what?_

_What you were saying about the piano._

_That I don't know how to play?_

_No, not that._   
_Although I'm sure you're playing_   
_But I don't think it's to attract girls._   
_Anyway, I can't wait to hear you play._   
_Maybe I'll fall into your arms._   
_Maybe you'll let me do it._   
_I can only hope so._


	4. Will

Lucas take a second look the message. Is his mind racing or is Eliott flirting with him? It's so fucking obvious, it scares the shit out of Lucas.

He reads it again and realizes five minutes have already passed. Eliott must clearly take that as a rejection. And Lucas should just let him think that. But Lucas directly imagines the sad and disappointed look on Eliott's face as he waits for an answer that doesn't come. So he rushes to answer. 

_When you draw me, artist_

_Already done 😉_

  
_You'll have to show it to me so that I believe you_

  
_Okay, 7:00 pm, my place._  
_I'll text you the address._

What the fuck is that? Lucas was expecting a photo of a drawing, plain and simple. Reason would dictate that Lucas should decline the offer. Just to say he already has a party planned. Which, by the way, he does. He's supposed to meet the guys at 8:00 at Baz's before he goes to the party. He's about to politely decline. It's not until he sends his message that he realizes he has no will against Eliott.

_Okay_

And that's why at 7:15 pm, Lucas is admiring a huge wall filled with countless drawings. He arrived 10 minutes late, suggesting he wasn't that eager. And if he went around the neighborhood three times to calm his nerves and not be there too early, only he knows it.

"So?" asked Lucas as he picked up the beer that Eliott handed him. "Badgers?"

Eliott backs away as if Lucas had slapped him.

"Hey," he says, "they're raccoons. Look, they're wearing masks. They're so cool."

Lucas looks at the drawings again and smiles as he takes a sip of his beer.

"And why so many raccoons?"

"That's my spirit animal."

"So, it's you?"

Lucas shows the drawings and Eliott nods his head.

''Yeah. It represents me."

Lucas laughs and then looks into Eliott's eyes with a defiant look on his face.

''Do you think you're as cool as they are? Are you sure your ankles will fit in your shoes?"

And then Eliott laughs and drops himself on the couch. And his fucking laugh is even more beautiful than his smile.

''I don't know, but I'm wearing an invisible mask. So I think I belong to their family."

Lucas drops down on the couch next to Eliott and crosses his legs underneath him.

"Invisible mask?"

"Yeah." Eliott takes a sip of his beer and seems to take a sip of courage ''I don't usually say this but I think you can understand. I'm bipolar. That's why I have to try a new treatment at the clinic, to control my raccoon."

Lucas is nodding his head. 

''Then it's like I'm wearing an invisible mask. When I have a manic episode, it's like I'm wearing a mask and I feel invincible. And when it's over, I feel very small and I roll around in a ball, like a raccoon. And when it happens I wish I could wear a mask that would make me invisible so that everyone would leave me alone."

Eliott raises his head and Lucas understands that he is waiting for him to say something. He has just totally revealed himself and he needs to know if it changes anything for Lucas. And Lucas understands that. But he's hesitating. He wants to weigh every word. Make it clear to Eliott that he doesn't care. It doesn't define him.

''You know, it's always you. Whether you're in crisis or not. I think it's you. Just you. And it doesn't change what I think of you, mystery guy. But thank you for telling me. It's cool to know. And besides the raccoons are pretty cool. I agree. So, what about me?"

"What about you?" Eliott asks puzzled.

''You said you draw me. What am I, then?"

"Yeah. Maybe I did. But you promised you'd play for me, so..." calls Eliott back.

"I said I'd play when I saw your drawings." Reminds Lucas. "Besides, you don't have a piano here, too bad."

Eliott's smile comes back on his face with a mischievous look.

''It looks like I'll have to come back to your room'' says Eliott, looking him in the eye before he gets off the couch.

Eliott grabs his wrist and pulls it so that Lucas gets up and guides him to his room. On the desk, a dozen leaves are scattered, and on all the drawings, there is a raccoon with a hedgehog.   
Lucas smiles as he recognizes their bus stop. In one drawing the two animals are talking and Lucas clearly recognises that they are in his room. A small thought bubble flies over the raccoon and shows that he imagines kissing the hedgehog.  
In another drawing the hedgehog is playing the piano and many hearts are flying around the raccoon. Lucas feels his cheeks turning red. It is clearly Eliott's diary in front of his eyes. He imagines Eliott drawing all this this afternoon and it makes him smile.

He moves a sheet of paper so that he can better see another drawing in three sequences, like a comic book. The raccoon jostles the hedgehog in a hallway. The raccoon turns around but the hedgehog turns his back. In the last box, the raccoon is lying in bed thinking of the hedgehog.

''Am I a hedgehog?'' asks Lucas softly.

Eliott nods his head. Lucas grabs the little comic book and shows it to Eliott.

''That never happened. Did it happen??"

"Yes, it did. My first day of high school. I ran into you. You were talking to your buddies. You didn't see me. but I saw you. Since then, I only see you, lucas "

Lucas looks up to find himself in front of Eliott's smiling face. Eliott bends over, keeping his eyes in Lucas' eyes as if he's panicking. Lucas knows he should leave. Like right now. He knows he doesn't want a relationship. He had it all planned out in the wake of what happened last year with Yann and Emma. He just wants to finish high school with no drama. And when he goes to college, he'll come out and he'll be just another gay guy to everyone. Right now, he just wants to be a drama-free high school kid.  
But right now, he's totally lost in Eliott's eyes. And without any will to respect his plans, he opens his mouth slightly, ready to taste the so perfect lips that come forward to meet him. 

Then a door slams and startle them both.

''Eliott? Honey, are you there? I'm home."

''Holy shit,'' swears Eliott, backing away from Lucas, ''I'm in my room.'' He shouting down the hall.

A girl almost as tall as Eliott appears almost immediately in the doorway. She has a perfect brown square and a big smile that lights up her pretty face, even makes her eyes sparkle. And she literally jumps into the arms of Eliott, who hugs her back.

''I'm so happy to be home. I was able to catch an earlier train. Three days not seeing you is just too much, honey."

She opens her eyes and her green eyes meet Lucas' eyes at that moment. 

''Oh, shit. Hi. Sorry."

She pulls back from Eliott's embrace while she puts a lock of hair behind his ear. Eliott shifts to introduce Lucas.

''Lucas, this is Elodie. Elodie, this is Lucas."

Elodie gently pushes Eliott and kisses Lucas, then moves back to Eliott and wraps her wrist and hand around him. 

''I'm just borrowing him for two seconds, Lucas. Then he's all yours."

Lucas watches the two of them leave. He'll never have Eliott all to himself. He should have fucking known that Eliott would already be in a relationship. With a beautiful, nice girl on the side. Of course, it was so obvious. All Eliott wanted was to be nice to Lucas. Make a friend. Certainly not flirt. But why were they almost kissing then? And why all his drawings?

Lucas is shaking his head. It's too much. Too much information to deal with. He walked up the hallway and almost reached the front door when Elodie's voice startled him. 

''Will you stay and eat with us, Lucas? I'll make pizza. That's what we always do to celebrate my return when I leave."

Lucas shakes his head.

''No thanks, I'm meeting some friends. Hi, Eliott."

And just like that, he leaves, without looking back. Fucking jealousy. In the end, he hasn't even kissed Eliott and he's already in the middle of some fucking drama. And his heart hurts like hell. 

Fucking universe.


	5. Discussion

_Lucas are you okay?_   
_Did you seem weird when you left?_

Lucas is rereading Eliott's messages. Fuck that. Why is he so perfect? He can't tell his he was weird because he's sad that Eliott's with Elodie. When he wasn't quite convinced he wanted to be with Eliott himself. Damn it.

_I'm fine._   
_I forgot the guys were waiting for me._   
_Good night to you and Elodie._

_She thanks you._   
_We're going out tonight. If you feel like it, come join us._

Lucas grunts as he reads the message. Like he's going out with Eliott and his girlfriend and be the third wheel. It was already so hard to see her touch him, he doesn't even want to see them kiss.

He falls down on his bed and sighs. He should already be at Baz's house. But he has no desire to go out tonight. He rereads Eliott's last message for the tenth time when his door opens, letting Mika in.

''So, Lucas, no going out tonight? Why don't you come watch a movie with us?"

Lucas sighs again.

"No. I should have left by now."

Mika sits on the bed and Lucas sits across from him, bending his legs under him.

''Well? Why are you sitting here moping? Something to do with Eliott?"

Lucas frowns.

"What? Why?"

Mika shrugs his shoulders and smiles.

''I don't know. Maybe it's because you look at him when you think he doesn't see it and you feel like you wanna eat him. Or maybe it's 'cause Lisa told me you two spent some time together in your room. Or maybe it's just 'cause I know you, kitten."

Lucas sighs as he relaxes and falls back onto his bed.

"Damn you, Mika."

Mika lies next to him, laughing.

''Yeah, I know. But you're so obvious, Lucas. And my gayradar never cheats on me."

Lucas grunts, which makes Mika laugh a second time.

''Hey. It's okay, you know. You're allowed to like guys. I'm not the one telling you otherwise. And what a guy. A fucking hot guy. And the way he looks at you, it's obvious he wants the same thing you do."

''Yeah, well, it can't be that obvious cos I met his girlfriend earlier. She's super beautiful, super nice. Oh, yeah, they even live together. Isn't that perfect? Better yet, he's even asked me out on a date with the three of us tonight."

Mika sits on the bed and weeps.

''Shit. I'm sorry. Oh, fucking hetero guys who don't know where they stand. They're fucked up."

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and smiles.

''Whatever. Anyway, I don't want a relationship before college. Then it's for the best. You know, cause I'm... me."

And for the first time, Lucas feels like talking to Mika about it. Feel like talking about it with someone other than doctors. 

''I'm sorry, kitten. I'm so sorry. But you know, you deserve to be happy just as much as anybody else."

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and sighs.

''Anyway, it would've gone nowhere. I just wish I was a fucking normal guy sometimes."

''Hey,'' says Mika angrily, punching him in the forearm, ''You're a normal guy. Being gay doesn't make you a normal person. I'm gay, and I'm totally normal."

Lucas looks up to the sky and sits on the bed facing his roommate.

''Mika, that's not what I was talking about. I was talking about me. The things that you know about me that we never talk about."

Mika frowns, but he doesn't say anything.

''Oh, my God, Mika. Are you gonna make me say it?"

"Say what?" asks Mika, lost, "I don't even know what we're talking about anymore."

Lucas can't help but be angry at Mika's behavior. He can be such a baby sometimes.

''Damn Mika. We're talking about me and my gender dysphoria here."

Silence fills the room, and Lucas' breath comes back.

''I didn't know, kitten. I swear I didn't know. But if you feel like you're a woman, I can't see"

''No fucking way'' cuts Lucas off ''I'm a guy. Fuck, I'm a guy. I've always known it. But I was born in the wrong body. And I'm still not... Oh, shit, I was sure you already knew that."

Mika is startled by such an accusation.

''What? How would I know that?"

"I don't know. You're searching my room. You're acting like you're trying to protect me from everybody. You're... I don't know. I thought you knew. I thought for sure you knew. Oh, man, this talk is even worse than I thought it would be."

Mika moves closer so he can hug him and gently caress his cheek with his thumb.

''Hey, kitten. It's all right. It doesn't change a thing. I care about you, because it's you. I wanna protect you from everybody because you've been through enough with your family problems already. And because I love you like you're my little brother. No, I didn't know that. But I thank you for trusting me enough to tell me and I admire you even more. But it doesn't change anything. You still deserve to have your share of happiness in this world. You're a fucking guy, Lucas. And someday there's gonna be a guy who's gonna be so proud to be around you. Or a girl. Or"

"No, no," cuts Lucas smiling and says, "a guy is good."

Mika slowly backs away, nodding his head and laughing.

''Oh, yeah. Totally agree with you. So, one day, some guy will take your hand and introduce you to everyone with huge pride and say ''This is Lucas, my boyfriend.'' "And everybody can see the pride in his eyes."

Lucas chuckles as he imagines the scene. God, he wishes he could be so fucking sure he's gonna live through this someday.

''And this guy better be nice and considerate... And he better like me. Cause I'm definitely gonna make sure he's good enough for you. I'm never gonna stop worrying about you, kitten. Because I love you, kitten."

Lucas' cell phone vibrates and he grabs it right away. Arthur's sending him the address of tonight's party so he can meet them there.

''I'm gonna go party with my buddies and forget all about it'' says Lucas as he gets up ''but thanks, Mika. For everything you just said. Thank you for being you. Even if sometimes I don't show it enough, I really like you too."

Lucas grabs his jacket from his desk chair and opens his bedroom door when Mika holds him.

"Hey, kitten?"

''Yeah?''

"Don't do anything stupid, okay?

Lucas doesn't really want to promise that, so he leaves his room, offering a simple nod to Mika.

Now all he wants to do is party and forget all about it.


	6. Party

Lucas doesn't know who's throwing the party. When he arrives, the music is already at full blast and about a hundred high school and college students are dancing, drinking, laughing or smoking.  
Lucas greets some acquaintances and immediately finds the kitchen. He drinks two beers almost straight down. He really needs them after that awful discussion with Mika. Fucking hell, he'll never make the mistake of believing that anyone knows his secret again. 

And that idea brings him back to his discussion with Eliott yesterday at the bus stop. Clearly there's no way Eliott knows about him. Lucas would pay good money to know what Eliott was talking about. And how he knew his name before he met him. 

But now he just wants to forget and have fun. Just let loose.

A big blow to the back makes him cough. It's Baz.

''So, man, what the hell were you doing? We thought you weren't coming."

Lucas shrugs his shoulders.

''I'm here now. So, how about a toast?"

Yann and Arthur join them. Arthur has clearly had enough to drink. But he still takes a glass at the same time as his friends. 

"Now look at the artist." Basile says as he joins Daphne on the dance floor.

But Lucas can't look at his friend. His eyes are unwillingly drawn to the orange jacket at the other end of the room. 

Eliott looks sad, leaning against the wall of what must be the living room. And Elodie tries to drag him onto the dance floor by pulling on his jacket. Lucas takes another glass without taking his eyes off him. He's so angry at Eliott. If it wasn't for him, he wouldn't have talked to Mika. Not that the talk went bad, but now he feels so naked. So vulnerable. And he hates it. 

And then he's so angry to see the two of them.

Eliott looks up and smiles as he notices Lucas. He bends over to talk to Elodie, who turns to greet Lucas. Of course she does. She's so nice.   
Lucas wants to slap himself for his bad mood. It's not her fault he fell in love with her boyfriend.

Falling in love. Oh, for fuck's sake. He's really fucked up. Can you really only fall in love with someone in 24 hours?

"Hey Lucas, you're here."

Eliott's sweet voice takes him out of his mind.

"I'm here." Lucas mutters before he takes another glass.

He takes a quick look around. Arthur and Yann have totally disappeared. Shit.

"Wanna dance?"

Lucas frowns and raises his head to look up at Eliott.

"With you?"

Eliott smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

''Yeah. Why not?"

Lucas shakes his head before he looks at Eliott again.

"I guess it's better if we don't."

"And why not?"

"Cause Elodie seems to want it so bad. You should go dancing with her."

And Eliott turns around and nods to Elodie and smiles.

"Don't worry about her, she's a independent girl."

Lucas grabs a shot and drinks it straight up.

''Sorry, I can't. I can't do that, Eliott."

Lucas pushes him a little bit so he can walk through the living room. He really needs some fresh air right now. 

Fresh air hits him in the face the second he walks through the door and he comes up the street . At the intersection, he stops to lean against a wall.

"What can't you do?"

Lucas is startled and turns around to find Eliott glued to him. They're so close he can smell the vodka tagada on his breath.

''It. You. Us. Fuck, there's not even any us."

''I wish there was, Lucas. I want it so bad. From day one, all I've seen is you, Lucas. And I want to be with you so bad. Please tell me I didn't dream this. Tell me I'm not wrong and that you feel this connection between us, too."

Lucas nervously runs his hand through his hair. He's not allowed to say things like that.

''Fuck Eliott. Who wouldn't want to be with you? But what about Elodie? Are you forgetting about your girlfriend? Or are you planning a three-way? I can't do it, Eliott."

Eliott laughed, which made Lucas even angrier.

''Damn Lucas. Elodie's my twin. How could you even think that? How could you think I would openly hit on you while dating a girl?''

Lucas looks back, squinting as if to see if Eliott means what he says.

''She calls you Honey. She's not in high school. Yout twin? Are you kidding me, you think I'm buying this? She doesn't even look like you."

Eliott sighs and puts his hands on Lucas' shoulders.

''I'm dead serious, Lucas. She's been calling me Honey since we were five because I used to take a spoonful of honey every night to keep from wetting the bed. Don't laugh, that was my grandmother's tip. She doesn't normally say that in public. She didn't know there was a beautiful boy hiding in my room. She's not in high school anymore because we're 19, Lucas. I didn't graduate high school because of a manic episode, so I flunked out. We don't look alike because that's the joy of genetics. We're just siblings born on the same day. Some siblings look alike, some don't. Genetic chance. I swear it's all true. And she'll tell you no problem. She'll tell you without any problem anything that could embarrass me. And I won't even stop her. I want you to know everything about me. I don't want there to be any more misunderstandings between us."

Lucas is watching Eliott. He looks so perfect. It would be so easy to tiptoe up and kiss him. Lucas wants it so bad. He like so much to let his hands slide underneath Eliott's shirt. So much like having Eliott naked in his bed. It would be so easy to let go.

But in Lucas' world, nothing seems easy to him. This all seems really too difficult for him. Insurmountable. So he takes a step back. 

''I'm sorry, Eliott, I can't."


	7. Promises

Lucas wipes the tears that run down the corner of his eyes while closing his duvet on his shoulders. He is lying on his bed, wrapped up in his blanket and has been watching since 2am the youtube videos of transgender men and women telling their love stories. And some of them are really fucking worthy of a movie script.

Lucas closes his screen on Laura Badler's and his boyfriend video. Lucas finds it so hard to imagine having a relationship with someone. Having to explain who he is and still being afraid of not being accepted... Revealing yourself totally to someone and not knowing if the person opposite is just going to slam the door in your face. Maybe that's what love is all about. Maybe everyone feels exposed and hopes to be loved in return. But at this point, for Lucas, it just feels like it's impossible.

He's lying on his bed, sighing. But sleep doesn't seem to want to come to him. So he just keeps hanging out on his computer. 

At 9 o'clock, Lucas decides to take a shower and goes back to his room. He has just enough time to put on his pants that a knock on his door makes him jump. Mika never knocks. It gives him a little pinch in his heart. He didn't think that discussion to them would change anything, but just that little knock shows he was wrong.

"You can come in."

Except it's not Mika. It's Eliott. And damn it, Lucas wasn't ready for that. 

He grabs the shirt off his bed and hastily puts it on while Eliott seems to be frozen.

''What the fuck are you doing here?"

Eliott seems to come to his senses and smiles.

''Sorry. You're so much." he sighs, "I've come to collect my reward."

Lucas must look like he's misunderstood because Eliott is explaining himself.

"You promised me a song on the piano. Remember?''

Lucas sighs as he runs his hand through his wet hair.

''Listen, Eliott, no kidding. You'll never give up, will you?''

"For you, never? And I'm sure you keep your promises.''

And when he says stuff like that, all Lucas wants to do is jump into his arms.

"You're a pain in the ass, Eliott," Lucas grumbles as he sits at the piano. 

So Eliott slowly closes the bedroom door and sits in the desk chair. Lucas hesitates then closes his eyes and plays. 

When he reopens his eyes at the end of the piece, Eliott is sitting right next to him on the bench. Lucas doesn't have time to react that Eliott's lips are on his. And it feels so good. Lucas has just enough time to taste the cherry smell coming out of Eliott's mouth for him to back off. 

Damn it, Lucas has no more resistance. He wants more. He needs more. So he puts his hand on Eliott's neck to bring him closer so he can lose himself in a kiss again.   
A kiss that gets more passionate. Lucas' tongue slips gently between Eliott's lips and Lucas can't help smiling when Eliott hurries to open his mouth and moans. 

''Holy shit, Lucas.'' Moans Eliott breathlessly. '' Tell me you feel it, too.''

Lucas nods his head as he kisses Eliott again. On his lips, on his cheeks, on his neck. Mika was right, he really wants to eat him. 

Eliott leans so much under the weight of Lucas who is half lying on the piano bench, half lying on the bed. They go back up, without breaking their kiss, until they are completely lying on the bed. 

Lucas slips his hands under Eliott's shirt, who moans on contact. It's just wonderful. Until Eliott's hands slide under Lucas' shirt and he totally freezes. Which Eliott notices immediately.

''Lucas. Lucas, are you okay? If you want to stop."

Lucas sits down next to Eliott, pulling his shirt down to put him down.

''I'm sorry. It's just too much. I can't do it, Eliott."

Eliott gently strokes the back of his hand with his thumb. 

''It's okay, Lucas. Don't be afraid. We can take all the time we want. But just let me be a part of your life, please. I just want to be with you. Don't push me away."

Eliott bends over to kiss his and his kiss is so fucking good. Eliott backs up almost immediately and looks at Lucas with his perfect smile.

''Can I ask you a question, Eliott?'' asks Lucas softly as he looks at their joined hands.

"Anything you want."

"Friday, you said we all had a secret. Why did you say that?"

And Eliott shrugs his shoulders and smiles.

''Because it's true. I'm guessing that's true. I saw my bus coming, and I wanted to mark you. You know, the mystery boy thing, that always works. I wanted you to think of me. I've been thinking about you for a long time, and I wanted you to remember me."

Lucas sighs and elbows him.

"How did you know my name?"

''I told you, Lucas, I've been noticing you for a while. So even though I didn't want to seem like a stalker, I couldn't stop looking at you. And your friends call you by your first name, you know. I just heard. Why?"

Lucas shrugs his shoulders.

''How'd you know I was gay? And don't tell me that every gay guy on the radar... Because clearly mine is nonexistent."

''Okay. First of all, I'm not gay. But whatever. I just very much hope that the hottest guy in school wants me. And when I saw you staring at me at the homecoming reunion, I figured I had a chance. So I thought I'd give it a shot."

"What do you mean, you're not gay?"

And Eliott shrugs his shoulders and slowly moves closer to Lucas, until their shoulders are touching.

''I'm pansexual, actually. But it doesn't change anything for us."

Lucas can't help but notice the huge smile on his lips.

''Hell, yeah, it changes everything for us. I hope it does."

He takes Eliott's hands and kisses them and then puts them back together again.

''Eliott. The reason I left yesterday is because I didn't know how to tell you what I'm about to tell you. And please don't panic. And just know that afterwards, if you want to leave, the door is right here." Lucas is taking a deep breath. "I'm a boy, but I wasn't born with a boy's body. And I've been in a long process for two years to finally have the body that's right for me. I've changed schools and I've changed neighborhoods. Other than my family, no one knows except Mika."

Eliott looks at him and then nods his head in silence.

''Hell, no, say something.'' Lucas groans.

Eliott puts his arms around Lucas' shoulders and puts his forehead against his own.

''I got nothing to say, Lucas. It doesn't make any difference to me. I think you're my soul mate, Lucas. Just you. I'm sad that you have to go through so much to get the body you want, but other than that, it doesn't change anything for me. You're the hottest guy I've ever met and I want to kiss you so bad, like, right now."

Lucas jumps on Eliott so fast, he finds himself lying on the bed under Lucas again. 

"Don't deprive yourself."

"Certainly don't."

And almost immediately, Lucas' hands end up under Eliott's shirt and he breaks their kiss so he can take it off. He looks Eliott in the eye and then pulls his own shirt off.

"Damn, Lucas, you're so handsome." Eliott whispers in his neck before he bites him gently. 

Eliott's hands tenderly caress his back as the door opens in a single motion.

"Fuck Mika" moans Lucas, astride Eliott "You could knock, couldn't you?"

"No," Mika just says, and that makes Lucas smile. Cause in the end, nothing changes here. 

''Glad to see you two are doing well.'' says Mika ''I made pancakes, come eat with me, I don't want to be alone.''

He looks at the two boys and raises one eyebrow.

''You guys don't have to wear a shirt. I'm okay with a breakfast'show, too."

Lucas gets up out of the laughing Eliott's lap and tosses his shirt.

"T-shirt mandatory, honey."

"Hey," Eliott moans, laughing. "My sister will kill you if she hears you call me that."

"Hey," moans Mika coming up the hallway, "you could at least let me enjoy the view."


	8. Smiles

Lucas smiles as he walks through the school gates. He can't stop his mind from thinking about yesterday. They spent all day kissing and fondling each other in his room. Until Lucas fell asleep in Eliott's arms, exhausted from his sleepless night. And this morning, even though he was sad to wake up alone in bed, his smile came back immediately when he saw Eliott's drawing waiting for him on the pillow.   
A raccoon watching a sleeping hedgehog. _'ou're so beautiful when you're asleep... but when you're awake, too. I can't wait to see you in high school._

Lucas always smiles when he greets his friends as they talk about Saturday night's end.

"Lucas, are you okay?" Yann asks. "Do you look weird?"

"Yeah" confirms Basile. "You look really weird. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I'm just fine." says Lucas, smiling.

''You, you've sinned this weekend, right?'' asks Arthur. 

And Lucas' cheeks get so red, his friends start screaming for joy.

''Oh, fuck, tell us all about it. Who's? At the party?"

Lucas takes a deep breath and nods his head.

''Yeah, at the party. We spent all day yesterday together too.''

The guys look at him with a big smile on their faces.

''Fucking Lulu, tell us who's the lucky girl?'' gets impatient. Basile says, ''Is she in high school?''

Lucas looks at them, hesitates, then smiles.

"He is in high school, yes."

"He?" asks Arthur puzzled.

''Yeah. He. And I think I'm really in love with him." 

Lucas looks at his friends one by one. Yann smiles as Arthur and Basile look totally lost.

"Wait?" Basile asks, "Are you gay?"

Lucas nods his head and smiles.

''Yeah, it looks like it, yeah. But if it's too much for you, I"

"Don't even finish that sentence," Yann warns, putting his arm around Lucas' shoulders. "You're our Lulu, it doesn't change anything. Uh, guys?''

The two boys seem to be out of their minds. 

''Of course it doesn't change anything'' confirms Arthur by hitting the fist with Lucas.

"But then, who is he?" asks Basile.

''Eliott. The new senior class freshman."

Basile whistles and that makes Lucas laugh.

''Damn, man, he's hot. Shit, you're so gay, you're better at finding yourself a hot guy than you are at finding yourself a girl."

Lucas is laughing his ass off.

''Yeah. Probably cause I'm not interested in girls. But it'll be more for you, Baz."

And the boys walk away laughing all the way to their first class. Lucas spends all day looking for Eliott with his eyes in vain. He doesn't want to be a clingy boyfriend so he just sends two messages to Eliott. 

Lucas rereads his messages, sitting on the courtyard wall. 

''So, where's your hottie?'' asks Basile as he joins him. 

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and sighs.

"I don't know."

At the same time, his mobile phone vibrates, making him jump. Basile picks it up before he falls down and looks at the screen before Lucas can get it back.

"Wait?" Basile asks, "Is Eliott bipolar?"

Lucas stares at him in amazement, then looks at his phone.

_Hey, Lucas, it's Elodie. Don't worry, Eliott's fine. He's having a depressive episode, he can't get up. But don't worry, he'll get better soon._

''My mother is bipolar too, you know. I know what it's like." Basile says softly.

And Lucas is surprised he doesn't know that. He's met Basile's mom a few times already. 

''Yeah. He is."

''You know, you can go to him. When my mom's in crisis, she likes to have my dad there. Or just that he's there. Even though sometimes she can't say it, it makes her feel better."

Lucas looks at him, hesitates, then jumps off the wall and says "Thank you, Baz." 

When he arrives in front of Eliott's building, a lady comes out and he takes the opportunity to sneak inside. He knocks on the door, hoping that Elodie will let him in. 

When a little brown woman opens the door, he looks at the name on the door again, wondering if he hasn't come to the wrong door. But he didn't.

"Hello. what can I do for you?"

Lucas smiles.

"I'd like to see Eliott, please."

"He's sick."

"Yes, I know. But I'd like to see him."

"And you are?"

"He's my boyfriend, Mom." 

And then Eliott's voice startled Eliott's mommy, who turned around as if she'd seen a ghost. Eliott looks awfully tired. He has large purple circles under his eyes. Just standing seems to take a superhuman effort from him.

''I heard you, Lucas. I didn't want you to leave. Please come."

Lucas looks at Eliott's mom waving at him to come in. He goes straight to Eliott, who looks really tired. But Eliott slips his hand into Lucas's hand.

''Mom, this is Lucas, my boyfriend.''

''Nice to meet you, Lucas. I'm Lydia. Elodie's told me a lot about you. I'll be in the kitchen, let me know if you need anything."

Eliott turns around and drags Lucas into his room. And as Lucas hugs Eliott, spooning him, he smiles. 

''I'm sorry. I wish you never had to see me like this," Eliott whispers, "but I'm so glad you came."

''Shh, don't worry. It's me. It's just me." 

And for the first time in a really long time, Lucas feels like he's exactly where he's supposed to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me a little comment, it always pleases me ✍️♥️💔😊☹️


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